Uuuuurrrrmmmmmm

Apologies in advance, if you haven’t noticed this yet — after reading this you won’t be able to avoid it. Just like this image:

When you see the cigar you cannot unsee it and struggle to focus on the wall.

Most people reading this will have been on a zoom call or similar in recent weeks with varying degrees of success. I’ve been on my fair share and have noticed a trend, it is growing like a social weed; it appears to be especially prevalent in networking sessions. Zoom only allows one person to speak at any time — to be honest this isn’t limited to zoom. Life in general is improved when I only have one person talking at me at any given time.

The difference with online group sessions is the palpable anxiety you feel as your time to talk comes. Even more nerve racking is when the order is random and you don’t know when your time will come; it’s like being summoned into the headmasters office as a child. You sit outside in a state of hyper-tension, rehearsing your lines in your head, blissfully unaware of what anyone around you is saying.

Strange things happen to people on these calls (perhaps because they don’t have many opportunities to speak and feel they must grasp any chance they get).

People panic, they are so scared that they might miss their moment in the spotlight they forget to breathe, in fact they forget how to talk. We are left witnessing a monologue; the speaker turns a grim shade of purple as they try and expel as much information as quickly as possible. Worse still we are trapped; everyone on the call is visible and with more sessions being recorded our reaction might become the next viral sensation.

But this isn’t the worst part.

When someone gets the opportunity to talk they are overtaken by a fear that they may never be given an audience again. God forbid they pause to gather their thoughts or to make a dramatic point, oh no, there is an incessant need to fill their allotted time with as much noise as possible. There If there is a gap someone might jump in and cut them off, the dream would die. This is especially ironic given it is one of the few moments in life you are given space to talk because we take it in turns.

Enter the uuuurrrmmmm

In natural speech we pause for effect and to give the audience time to process (it also allows us to breathe and gather our thoughts). Not on a video call, oh no. We have to fill the pause with a noise so that everyone within WiFi range knows that we haven’t finished talking.

“Don’t cut me off there is more rambling to come!”.

If you spoke at me like this to my face I would be dancing backwards like the time I tripped over the baby and leapt for fear of stepping on him.

The result is I’m not listening to a word you say, I’ve got my stopwatch going playing uuuurrrmmmm bingo trying to beat the 87 seconds of uuuurrrmmmm I was privileged to witness when Dave was telling us about his digital widget collection last week during his 60 second intro.

Yes that’s getting to me as well, give someone 60 and if they kick off with a jovial “oh stop me if I go on” you can guarantee that two minutes later the meeting organiser is desperately trying to work out how to cut them off without appearing rude — we need a “sorry I’m in a tunnel bad connection” equivalent.

If you’re on a zoom call with me and the video and sound goes off I’ve wandered downstairs to make a cuppa safe in the knowledge Steve will still talking about the impact of 19th century art on the pension pot I don’t have or will ever likely have given the way the economy is going.

So if you are participating on a Zoom call (other video meeting providers are available), here is my plea:

• Have the confidence to pause and talk normally,
• Prepare your 60 second introduction if you know you will be giving one,
• Keep it concise and memorable,
• Say something that others on the call will want to know more about and will therefore ask for a follow up call,
• Avoid feeling the need to fill every silence with uuuurrrrmmmmmm,
• If you have said your piece in 30 seconds that is fine, you don’t need to fill the other 30 seconds just because they are there.

Enjoy Zooming and stay safe.